Don't Make Me Count to Three

I have just finished reading a book on discipline. It seems that this is the genre of books I purchase from my church's bookshelf these days. I just need to find a solution or method on discipline. Parents with toddlers from the age of 2 to 4 will testify to how challenging it can be dealing with an angsty, unpredictable little kid every day. In such cases, I highly recommend this book by Ginger Plowman. I am easily bought over by appearances at times and the title and picture on the front of this book called out to me when I passed by it at church.

It first recognises that discipline is a heart issue. Plowman's starting point is the same as that of Tedd Tripp's in his famous book, "Shepherding a Child's Heart." The heart of the problem is the problem of the heart so she says (a very quotable kind of quote!). Children are born sinful for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Rom 3:23). Thank God for his revelation of this in His Word. Remember, it applies to children as well! So, we have to tackle the sinful heart and not just correct the child's behaviour. As Christian parents, we are best placed to mould the child's heart and drive folly away (for Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, see Proverbs 22:15). Discipline is not just about spanking them when the child does wrong. It is about moulding their hearts through our decisive action of correcting their wrong and teaching them what is right.

There are many practical tips as well in this book, which is simple to read and easy to digest.

Some of my takeaways from this book:

>>I realised that when I tell En not to do the wrong thing, I fail to Get him to Do the right thing. Recently, I make En re-do the thing that was wrong rather then just telling him, "Next time, you must do .... " It sticks better in their mind when they get into the routine of doing the right thing. Children need to know that if they do not do the wrong act, what they can replace it with.

>> Children have to obey immediately. Its crucial that they do so straightaway and not dwadle or negotiate your command away. En is really good at distracting me sometimes when he knows he's in trouble. He will say: "Mama, I tell you something.. you know, I live in ...." and he will go on to relate some story totally unrelated to the wrong he's done! Children need to obey rightaway, it could save them from that car coming in their face when you tell them to STOP and not cross the road. Honestly, its really hard to get them to obey instantly. The key, I think, is in disciplining them when they fail to obey. (see next point).

>> Everytime the kid does wrong, we need to correct their heart and behaviour. En knows that I will beat his hand or spank his buttock, depending on severity of breach, if he misbehaves. It feels terrible to have to administer beating to him just when he is going to sleep, or when he is eating his food, but I conclude that it has to be done. I do feel that it has made a difference recently when I disciplined him calmly rather than let the matter pass. He knows that mama will not tolerate misbehaviour recently.

I will tell him, En, do you know what you did wrong? Sometimes he says yes and sometimes no. I will then tell him what the breach was, and say " Mama has to discipline you because you disobeyed Mama" (I usually give him one chance to obey by chanting the mantra first: see below). I will then ask him for his hand or ask him to lie face down over my lap. Its a due process sort of thing and he has come to expect the process. Often, he will protest and start to cry at the mention of discipline. I will still administer the spanking despite his protests. but I will first wait for him to clam down and stop crying. After I administer the spank, he may cry again and ask me to carry him. At this point, I offer reconciliation, make him say sorry for disobeying me and then I will pray with him, to ask God to help him obey mama.

>> I have been chanting this mantra to En the past week and he picked it up really fast, in two days! "Obey mummy right away, all the way and with a happy heart!". What a brilliant phrase that is! He seems brainwashed by it now.. hee. But more seriously, it helps him and me to cool down when he does an act I wish to correct. I will chant the mantra to him to give him grace to obey and comply with my command. Chanting the mantra, I think, helps remind him that he has to obey mama immediately (and not 15 minutes later!), all the way (no halfway obedience) and with a good attitude (cos the child may obey sulkily and ultimately, we want to train the child to obey us and God with a joyful heart.

>> As parents, we have to discipline our child and bring them up in the ways of the Lord. The author made a point which is to me, an epiphany of sort. When we train our child to obey us, it will make it easier for them to obey God when they grow older since they are used to obeying authority. I want so much for En and Yi to obey God in all aspects of their lives.

I can't say I have it all figured out. I do know that I am only beginning to understand a little of how this should work and hope that the sharing of my journey is helpful to other parents out there. Oh, do read this book! I think its quite excellent!